somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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