He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
