then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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