I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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