Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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