I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
