someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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