I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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