I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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