Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
