Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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