i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
