i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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