I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
In America we eat man semen.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
