I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
