I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
