Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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