He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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