I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
