i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
