you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
