I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
