I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
