Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
