Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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