I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
