Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
