dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Text me some of your sweat
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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