I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
