Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
