I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
