My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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