Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
