oh god the rape fog is back!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
