I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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