I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
