What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I could make wine with my vomit
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
