So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
