Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Welp...herpes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
