mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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