Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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