he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
