I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
