Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
