I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
