I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
