EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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