i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
