It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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