i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
