had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
